I’ve been watching King Richard on Netflix recently. I haven’t finished the movie yet so I don’t know how it turns out, but one thing that stood out to me early on was that Richard encouraged his daughters, tennis phenoms Venus and Serena Williams, to dream big.
He told them they would be champions, one day someone would hand them a check for $1 million, and they should plan for the mansions they would own. When a potential tennis coach asked Richard’s young daughter her goal, she said, “To win the Wimbledon.”
Likewise in Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor’s autobiography, she said one of her teachers told her to aim high for college and that she could go anywhere she wanted - that’s how she ended up at Princeton
As a parent, I have shied away from instilling my daughters with big dreams about what they can accomplish. Perhaps it is because I coach high achieving teens into elite colleges. I see how many of them are stressed out. In fact, recent studies have found that teens in high-achieving schools are at increased risk for mental health issues, like teens in poverty, recent immigrants, foster care and those with incarcerated parents.
I feel torn because if I don’t encourage my kids to aim high will they reach their potential? Asians face the stiffest odds of getting into a top school due to discrimination, so do I still tell them they can do anything, like Sonia Sotomayor’s teacher told her?
My kids are still young, so the jury is still out.
I have told them they can do anything, but my tween daughter knows that people discriminate against Asians and women. I don’t want to emphasize the discrimination part because it’s out of their control ,and I don’t want it to become a self fulfilling prophecy where they don’t try.
I remember that my parents did make passing comments about how I could achieve great things, but I think high expectations without a lot of support can crush someone. I don’t want them to be achievement machines, but I do want them to know they are capable, talented and can achieve great things if they so choose.
What do you think? How do you encourage your children without stressing them out?
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This post is sponsored BrightStory, a boutique college admissions consulting company owned by Stanford graduate, professional journalist and “coach of admission coaches” Alice Chen, who also created Happy Asian Woman.
'I don’t want them to be achievement machines, but I do want them to know they are capable, talented and can achieve great things if they so choose.'
I feel that this is the best approach to have towards one's children in general. It empowers and supports children without placing too much expectations on them.
This is a very good question. As I child I was told to aim high and it has in many ways helped me to work towards my dreams, but on the other hand it is also very hard on me as child when I happened to "fail" on whatever I thought I could and should achieve.
My kids are also still young and I haven't given much thought about this. I have not seen first hand any discrimination yet for them being half Asian, but I heard from others that there is, even in Germany, sadly. I hope times will change for the better in the future for everyone.