Lessons from My 25th Stanford Reunion

Just Show Up

(Photo Courtesy of Bill Shen ‘98)

I was a bit apprehensive about attending my 25th Reunion at Stanford because I had lost touch with most of my college friends and felt like I only had a few close friends going to the event.

What if I missed the one person I arranged to sit with at Dinner on the Quad - would I sit alone at a table of strangers who were all talking to each other and not to me? What if I didn’t know anyone at the Class Lunch or Tailgate?

I had skipped my 5th reunion (I had already bought a plane ticket from Chicago but decided I couldn’t “fall behind” in grad school), attended just one session for my 10th due to budgetary reasons, and for my 15th and 20th I had kids under the age of 2 so I was still drowning in motherhood.

And to be honest, due to motherhood, my career was not where I wanted it to be at some of the reunion times and it seemed like so often when you catch up with people you haven’t seen in a long time, the conversation always veers towards, “So, what are you up to these days?” And of course after attending Stanford there is an expectation you’ll Do Great Things with your Career.

Anyways, on a whim this year I decided to book all the major events at Reunion, left both kids home with my husband, and got myself a nice hotel for two nights even though I’m semi-local.

I’m writing this post 36 hours after Reunion and I’m going through some major Reunion Withdrawal…

IT WAS SO FUN!!!!!! 4 days of non-stop partying, catching up with old friends and making new ones across all classes.

People were so friendly and open to meeting new people, and chatting with acquaintances.

Many were incredibly vulnerable in our catch up or introductory talk. We talked about parenting challenges, sick family members and career issues.

One of the most impactful events was the Class Panel. Our 10th year reunion panel was focused on everyone’s “interesting careers” but our 25th year panel was focused more on surviving - and thriving - in mid-life. Topics included circuitous career journeys, living lives true to oneself rather than parental expectations, and Jesus’ impact on life. The vulnerability was incredible.

At one point, someone asked the panelists how to raise un-stressed kids and my friend sitting next to me said, “You should grab the mic and say you have a podcast on happiness.” Of course I didn’t because the panel was not about me, but it was quite interesting to hear that many people in my class are wrestling with the same issues as me.

At this stage in life, it seems the main thing people are looking for is not “success” but joy.

In fact, perhaps success is joy.

Here are some of the lessons I learned from Reunion:

Just Show Up

For so many years I saw college friends posting pictures on Facebook without me. I felt like everyone kept in touch but me… not so much.

After hearing my thoughts, my Very Wise 11-year old said, “Mom, it’s because you’re never there.”

She’s right.

For too long I did not make it a priority to Show Up.

At Reunion, there were so many people I hadn’t seen in 25 years but the moment we laid eyes on each other we had huge smiles on our faces, laughing together just like we were freshman again.

It honestly felt like I was in college again, because we were with the same people in the same setting, and this time it was all the fun, none of the stress.

So, I’m making a commitment to show up, reconnect, and meet new friends. I’ll go out of my comfort zone, try new things and invest more heavily in relationships.

And one more thing I’ve realized — if you’re looking for more invitations, be the one to plan, host and invite.

Joy is the Most Important Thing

Many of my classmates are in Highly Successful Careers. But they also talk about how busy they are and how stressful it is on them and their families. When we’re really catching up, we often spend very little time talking about our career successes. Instead, we talk about wanting more joy, stronger relationships, and more rest.

Since I’m married to someone in a somewhat big career, I’ve realized it takes a lot of sacrifice to be “successful” on the career front. Everyone pays the price - the worker and the family.

Career “success” does not always lead to happiness and in my own life, “success” has not protected me from the fact that I lost my father last year, my beloved mother is aging, and parenting regularly pushes me beyond my limits.

Our lives are so short and so precious, what are we going to do to enjoy them today?

Nobody Cares about What You Do

One of the things that made Reunion so fun is that everyone I met and reconnected with was genuinely welcoming, kind and interested in each other.

In college it seemed like there was at times an atmosphere of stress and competition, since we were competing to speak up in class, win the argument in class, beat the curve on the test, get the professor rec for grad school, beat out other classmates for the job, etc.

Now we’re 25 years out everyone is in their own lane and life, and honestly, no one seems to cares a bit about whose career is further along. We are just so happy to see each other, and I just hope we all make it to our next reunion (yes, they put up a list of our classmates who had passed away and there were maybe 30 people on the list, about 2% of the class. So very sad.)

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I could go on and on about everything I learned and perhaps I’ll have enough reflections for another post but right now, I want to encourage you to reach out to your old friend you’ve lost touch with. Don’t be like me and wait 25 years to reconnect. Go to your reunions, call your old friends, accept party invitations where you barely know anyone, make the effort to Show Up.

You won’t regret it.

Have you been going to your college reunions and if so, what have you learned? What are your best tips for staying in touch with people? How do you make new friends?

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This post is sponsored BrightStory, a boutique college admissions consulting company owned by Stanford graduate, professional journalist and “coach of admission coaches” Alice Chen, who also created Happy Asian Woman.