Motherhood Midlife Crisis

Or is It Something Else?

Photo by Matthew Sleeper on Unsplash

I thought it was a midlife crisis, but maybe it’s not.

Over the past few months — or maybe it’s been years — I’ve felt very constrained.

The responsibilities of motherhood and work keep me tethered to a tight schedule, adhering to school dropoffs / pickups / vacations, kid bedtimes, client meetings, and the like.

I’m a Myers Briggs ENFP so I thrive on novelty and people, both of which are in short supply as someone who works from home alone, and adheres to a strict routine.

I feel like life is passing me by as I help everyone else around me — my kids, husband and students — achieve their dreams.

Yes, I’m grateful for my roles and I love my work, but as my kids get older and I have more bandwidth, I’m wondering - is there something I want to add to my existing work?

And with all of my parenting and familial responsibilities, what are my dreams at this stage in life anyways?

In a recent meeting with my new executive and leadership coach, I told her about my feeling of stuckness.

“What would help you live a life of more freedom?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” I responded. “I should probably write about it.”

So here’s my list for how to get free:

1. Get off of my phone so I can think and reflect about how to have more novelty in my life, and live more proactively.

2. Make lists of my goals, dreams, projects, hobbies etc. so I don’t forget adventures I want to have. Some ideas include taking classes at community college, hiking new trails, and doing art multiple times a week.

3. Brainstorm daylong, weekend, and weeklong trips with and without kids.

4. Find new and interesting community through meetup groups, coworking groups, and a walking and hiking group I organized in my town. Also, deepen relationships with existing friends.

5. Write every day for intellectual stimulation. Can be Substack, journaling, work for my college admissions company, or something else.

It is just the beginning of this process, but in journaling about it, I already learned something very important: even though I have constraints, I have the power to create the life I want within those constraints.

In fact, it may not actually be my kids holding me back, but my phone (!)

I have free time during the week, but if my time is not scheduled I default to my phone. When I’m on my phone a lot, I lose energy, am reactive, and feel unsettled.

I need to run an experiment to determine what’s been causing my stuckness- parenting duties or my phone.

It’s tough to offload my caregiving responsibilities for any substantial amount of time so what I will try is living a more novel, deliberate life by drastically cutting my phone usage first.

I might have to quit my smartphone or just use it for 30 minutes a day. (How will I text people socially though - ugh, do I need to go back to a flip phone? Ideas, dear readers? Will need to report back on progress with this one.)

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Do you ever feel stuck and if so, what do you think is the root cause of your issue? How do you inject novelty in your life? How do you meet new people? What are your dreams and aspirations for your life right now?

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This post is sponsored BrightStory, a boutique college admissions consulting company owned by Stanford graduate, professional journalist and “coach of admission coaches” Alice Chen, who also created Happy Asian Woman.