So good that your therapist is helping you to feel your emotions. My therapist who specializes in felt sense and EMDR, has been instrumental in my getting more in touch with my anger, which I dared not to feel or express due to my childhood family trauma and upbringing. Being able tap into my anger helped me draw healthy boundaries as a result.
I know a lot of people, especially those with Asian backgrounds, have trouble tapping into tears. I wrote a piece about crying recently and would like to share with you:
Just read your powerful stories about crying - love it! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s amazing how our children cries so easily and as adults, we stifle it so much… We can learn a lot from children.
Those are great pieces of advice. Harder to do in the moment, of course, but still important to try.
As a teacher, I've had to learn to control my emotions. I've had to learn to wait to go home to cry and rage. But I've also learned to express myself to my students without getting too emotional. Sure, I've had outbursts, but they're controlled. I can never allow my students to feel unsafe or afraid.
I try to be a good role model as much as possible, which means, I have to let them know when they're acting foolish. I also readily apologize if I misunderstood a situation, or if I had a bad moment, whatever. It's about owning up and showing them what adults act like.
Aww thanks for sharing! That’s amazing that you can wait to express your emotions. When you go home, how to you bring up the rage and tears?
I was just thinking about how we discipline our kids- my husband does not permit tantrums, forcing them to stop immediately (suppression) and I think they need to get their emotions out, but it’s loud and uncontrolled. Maybe I can walk them thru this exercise my therapist gave me… or, how do you control your outbursts?
When I get home, I vent to my husband. And that’s when I allow myself to get emotional.
At school, if it’s really bad, I simply walk out of the classroom and take a short turn. When I return, the students are deadly silent. Depending on the situation, we have a chat or I move on. For me, it’s important that my students see that I don’t ‘hang on to it’ or ‘continue to punish them’.
I’ve been teaching overseas for 15 years and in the States, I taught and did my training there, too, for a few years, so you have to understand, this has been a long process. I did years of theatre, as well.
These days, I ask myself, if this is really important? and remind myself to not take things too seriously and that’s my release valve. 99% of the time, whatever got me pissed is minor or circumstantial.
Yes I love journaling! I always forget to do it but I feel so much after I do. Have you read the book “ What my bones know”? It’s really interesting memoir by an asian American woman - and the author built it from her journals! I can’t write a memoir bc my journals are incomplete 😂 lately I have also been wanting to do more art but I keep forgetting as well!
This is one of the key lessons in “When the Body Says No,” too—people who are “SOO nice” often get disease. They won’t say no to others, won’t prioritize their own needs, and they don’t express emotional pain—they often won’t even acknowledge trauma from their past, usually, much less cry it out. Love that you are learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings and cry!
Yes… and women are socially conditioned to be givers and caretakers at the expense of our own needs. No wonder women have alarming increases in rates of autoimmune disease… time to reclaim our voices, power and realize our vulnerabilities! I still haven’t figured how to cry on my own yet, but it’s helpful to “feel” in the presence of my therapist! Baby steps…
So true. It’s enraging actually, the expectation that women will do all the emotional shit work. I can’t usually cry either without first writing down my feelings (“journalspeaking”) and tapping into that suppressed pain.
That’s great you can cry after writing. I heard watching sad movies helps too, but I’m thinking… Why would I want to watch anything sad when there is real life 🥹
I’m reading lots of feminist writers these days and it is eye opening. One interesting thing I learned is misogyny hurts both women and men because men are not allowed to show any female traits – like crying. I need to spend more time with little kids who are so free with their emotions!
I haven’t heard of the Chinese medicine philosophy piece! But now that I know how beneficial tears are, I’m going to try to release them (and allow those around me to also release them… like my kids!) My friend said she was experiencing chronic nerve pain but after crying, her pain went away! It’s so concerning what trapped emotions do to our body…
So good that your therapist is helping you to feel your emotions. My therapist who specializes in felt sense and EMDR, has been instrumental in my getting more in touch with my anger, which I dared not to feel or express due to my childhood family trauma and upbringing. Being able tap into my anger helped me draw healthy boundaries as a result.
I know a lot of people, especially those with Asian backgrounds, have trouble tapping into tears. I wrote a piece about crying recently and would like to share with you:
https://lilypond.substack.com/p/cry-baby-cry
Just read your powerful stories about crying - love it! Thank you so much for sharing. It’s amazing how our children cries so easily and as adults, we stifle it so much… We can learn a lot from children.
Those are great pieces of advice. Harder to do in the moment, of course, but still important to try.
As a teacher, I've had to learn to control my emotions. I've had to learn to wait to go home to cry and rage. But I've also learned to express myself to my students without getting too emotional. Sure, I've had outbursts, but they're controlled. I can never allow my students to feel unsafe or afraid.
I try to be a good role model as much as possible, which means, I have to let them know when they're acting foolish. I also readily apologize if I misunderstood a situation, or if I had a bad moment, whatever. It's about owning up and showing them what adults act like.
Aww thanks for sharing! That’s amazing that you can wait to express your emotions. When you go home, how to you bring up the rage and tears?
I was just thinking about how we discipline our kids- my husband does not permit tantrums, forcing them to stop immediately (suppression) and I think they need to get their emotions out, but it’s loud and uncontrolled. Maybe I can walk them thru this exercise my therapist gave me… or, how do you control your outbursts?
When I get home, I vent to my husband. And that’s when I allow myself to get emotional.
At school, if it’s really bad, I simply walk out of the classroom and take a short turn. When I return, the students are deadly silent. Depending on the situation, we have a chat or I move on. For me, it’s important that my students see that I don’t ‘hang on to it’ or ‘continue to punish them’.
I’ve been teaching overseas for 15 years and in the States, I taught and did my training there, too, for a few years, so you have to understand, this has been a long process. I did years of theatre, as well.
These days, I ask myself, if this is really important? and remind myself to not take things too seriously and that’s my release valve. 99% of the time, whatever got me pissed is minor or circumstantial.
What great perspective! Also, I’m glad your husband listens to you vent 😅
Someone has to do the dirty work! 😅😅😅 But I journal everyday and have for decades. It's my way of processing and letting go, too. xo
Yes I love journaling! I always forget to do it but I feel so much after I do. Have you read the book “ What my bones know”? It’s really interesting memoir by an asian American woman - and the author built it from her journals! I can’t write a memoir bc my journals are incomplete 😂 lately I have also been wanting to do more art but I keep forgetting as well!
No, I haven’t. I’ll check it out. Thank you. Yes, so much to dooo!
This is one of the key lessons in “When the Body Says No,” too—people who are “SOO nice” often get disease. They won’t say no to others, won’t prioritize their own needs, and they don’t express emotional pain—they often won’t even acknowledge trauma from their past, usually, much less cry it out. Love that you are learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings and cry!
Yes… and women are socially conditioned to be givers and caretakers at the expense of our own needs. No wonder women have alarming increases in rates of autoimmune disease… time to reclaim our voices, power and realize our vulnerabilities! I still haven’t figured how to cry on my own yet, but it’s helpful to “feel” in the presence of my therapist! Baby steps…
So true. It’s enraging actually, the expectation that women will do all the emotional shit work. I can’t usually cry either without first writing down my feelings (“journalspeaking”) and tapping into that suppressed pain.
That’s great you can cry after writing. I heard watching sad movies helps too, but I’m thinking… Why would I want to watch anything sad when there is real life 🥹
I’m reading lots of feminist writers these days and it is eye opening. One interesting thing I learned is misogyny hurts both women and men because men are not allowed to show any female traits – like crying. I need to spend more time with little kids who are so free with their emotions!
So true, to all above!
The juxtaposition of culture and the Chinese medicine philosophy that crying is just ‘excess’ that your body needs to shed is puzzling!
I haven’t heard of the Chinese medicine philosophy piece! But now that I know how beneficial tears are, I’m going to try to release them (and allow those around me to also release them… like my kids!) My friend said she was experiencing chronic nerve pain but after crying, her pain went away! It’s so concerning what trapped emotions do to our body…