I never realized I was angry — until I became a mom.
I wanted to be the “perfect Asian Christian mom” so for many years I thought it was a “waste” to hire help (what if the baby’s napping when the sitter’s here?) I also thought it was “bad” to allow my kids to be watched by anyone but family.
To be fair, my mom went back to work when I was 3 so I spent a substantial amount of time in daycare and with — how can I put this nicely — “unqualified” babysitters.
I didn’t want my children to experience what I did, because I did not have a good experience.
My husband also has a very busy job, so for much of the past 11.5 years, I was with a kid roughly 22/7, no sick days, no vacation days.
And when COVID shut down schools but my husband still had to work in-person in healthcare and I had a 2.75 year old and an 8-year old… I think I’ve blocked those entire 2 years out of my memory. (At least it caused me to launch my Happy Asian Woman podcast and blog, because I certainly needed some help!)
Motherhood is relentless and for me the primary stress is trying to get people to do what they don’t want to do (i.e. go to bed at a decent hour, get up a decent hour, get ready for school without watching TV before breakfast because we’re in a rush, don’t be late for school or else it will mar your kindergarten record and I am a perfectionist rule follower so I care about kindergarten attendance records because what would it say about me as a parent if my child were late every day by 2 minutes even though I had a newborn…)
In my family growing up, the classic tool my dad had for getting anyone to do anything was yelling. So that’s the tool I adopted as a parent because I didn’t really have any other tools.
Yelling worked for many years. It got results — and quickly.
But we’ve gotten into a problem because now my kids are picking up my behavior. And my six-year old recently told me, “Sometimes you’re nice. Sometimes you’re mean. I don’t like mean mommy.”
I realized I needed to get help with my anger so I started to discuss this problem with my therapists (yes, we see more than one because we have excellent health insurance and each therapist meets different needs.)
One therapist made some very insightful observations:
Calmness equals power. When you yell, avoiders (people who avoid emotions like certain people in my family) retreat. When you’re calm, they can hear you.
How is your yelling like your Dad’s? I don’t think my temper is as bad as my dad’s, but perhaps to my children, especially the younger one, I am scary when I’m angry. And I’m sad about that.
What’s preventing you from being calm? I don’t know. I never thought about calmness being power, so I want to try new methods to be more effective.
The second therapist also had some excellent tools:
Notice before you go overboard into full rage. Once you’re in full rage mode, it’s impossible to stop and you just have to ride it out. But when you’re just starting to feel angry, maybe your chest will tighten or your fists will clench. When you notice that, walk away, take some deep breaths, and trouble shoot the situation. Figure out and express your needs with “I” statements, like “I need a hug.” “I need to calm down so I’m going to take a break.” “I need your help getting you to school on time.”
Track your triggers. Once you know your triggers, you can come up with plans to prevent them. I’ve started a journal to track the rage incidents and see what I could’ve done differently.
These tips may sound simple but for years I thought I was supposed to “take some deep breaths” while I was in full rage mode, not realizing it was only effective before rage mode.
Even being more aware is helpful. When I hear myself starting to yell, I catch myself and try a calm voice. And when my child is starting to yell (we have a two-story house so we yell when we’re on different floors), I immediately stop what I’m doing and I go to her to de-escalate the situation before it spirals out of control.
I am hopeful to start a new way of life. It will take practice and time to adopt new tools, but I’m grateful to learn how to become a better parent.
Do you struggle with anger? What are you best anger management techniques?
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Your vulnerability and ability to articulate it is such a gift; not only to your own heart but to the rest of us as well. Thank you. I grew up in the same “yelling” home, I very much relate. Great tips from your therapist. Thanks again for sharing.
This is beautiful and your vulnerability opens the door to conversations about emotional awareness with ourselves, our partners, our children, our friends, even strangers. Thank you.