How I Went From Being a “Submissive” Christian Wife to a Feminist*
A Thought-Provoking Reading List
When I got married 17.5 years ago, a mentor mailed me a Christian book (not the Bible).
It espoused extremely traditional roles for Christian men and women, along the lines of women being created to be the “helpers” of their husbands. Men have the “calling” and women are to “help” their husband achieve their calling. Women must submit to their husbands - no mutual submission of both parties.
Since I did not have a healthy model of marriage growing up, I thought I could have a “strong Christian marriage” if I bought into the book’s ideas.
Also, many in my faith community seemed to believe similar teachings.
As a result, I sacrificed many professional and personal dreams to support my husband and kids.
The vast majority of women — including my high-powered Stanford classmates — are socialized to sacrifice ourselves for everyone else, especially when we become moms.
But as a Christian the stakes are higher- it seems like a moral sin not to be a Good Christian Mom and Obedient Wife.
About 2 years ago, I happened upon a seminar offered by Christianity Today about women in ministry. I did not attend the seminar, but I googled each of the speakers and borrowed the books they’d authored.
I also started to talk to a lot of Christians about the role of women in the church and at home, and how they personally run their marriages.
One of the biggest surprises I discovered was that in the original language of the Bible, the word “helper” - which describes women - is also used for the Holy Spirit.
WTF?!?!
The word “helper” is also used for the Holy Spirit.
How did I not know this?
The Holy Spirit is not some weak, passive entity in comparison to Jesus and God.
The Holy Spirit is powerful and wise. It admonishes and is a partner in the Trinity.
Why are we not regularly being taught that women are in a powerful role like the Holy Spirit?
Why are we not regularly being taught that women are in a powerful role like the Holy Spirit?
Everything started unraveling when I started reading various books and sources on the topic.
Several friends have requested my reading list so here it is:
The Making of Biblical Womanhood: How the Subjugation of Women Became Gospel Truth - by Beth Allison Barr, a professor of history at Baylor University and a pastor’s wife. Barr makes the case that women were leaders in the early church and only in recent decades have been relegated to more subservient roles.
She Deserves Better: Raising Girls to Resist Toxic Teachings on Sex, Self, and Speaking Up - by Sheila Wray Gregoire - Gregoire polled Christian women and discovered that many who were taught more traditional gender roles were less happy/satisfied in their marriages.
On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good - by Elise Loehnen. I heard about this book through Christian author Shauna Niequist, daughter of Bill Hybels, the pastor of megachurch Willow Creek who resigned due to sexual allegations.
The Woman They Wanted: Shattering the Illusion of the Good Christian Wife - Memoir by Shannon Harris, the ex-wife of Pastor Josh Harris who wrote the popular 1997 Christian book I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Josh Harris says he is no longer Christian. Shannon Harris lived under a stifling, subservient marriage, got depressed, reclaimed her identity and left her marriage.
I also came upon articles like:
No Woman Can Crack the Evangelical Bro Code - Why so many Christian institutions chew up and spit out talented female leaders by Katelyn Beaty, former Managing Editor at Christianity Today. This article describes why churches have a hard time retaining senior-level women staff. This phenomenon is especially frustrating to me as a female congregant - I want to learn from female senior-level staff and it seems like many women on staff are in more junior roles. At many churches, there’s no path for women to become senior-level staff and get paid senior-level dollars. How can they survive financially and who wants to stay in a system where they’re devalued?
I’ve also listened to talks like:
Women & Eldership — What Is Our Position? - Bridgetown Church
Once you start seeing misogyny in church, you can’t unsee it.
It is very insidious because many Christian men seem like “good guys just trying to follow the Bible”.
But we all agree there are many parts of the Bible that are classified as cultural - who determines what is cultural and what is prescriptive?!
Devaluation of women in the church is dangerous and bleeds beyond the church.
It gets to the very core of how women see themselves.
We end up internalizing it.
We make ourselves small and erase ourselves, our preferences, our dreams so we don’t seem “bad”.
How do I know?
I’ve lived it (and I still do at times.)
It’s taken me 16 years, but I’m finally waking up. Let me tell you, it’s been a process.
Think of the decades of potential and impact women sacrifice.
Sadly, both genders punish women who break the “Good Christian Woman” mold. (See Beth Moore as an example.)
Jesus never treated women like second-class citizens.
Could it be that this idea of patriarchy was conveniently created by Christian men to benefit from the free and/or underpaid labor of women?
The idea rocks my perception of the Church but the more research I do, the more it seems to be the case.
It is really sad that people subjugate others in the name of God.
In theory, the idea of the Christian complementarian model is that men and women are different but equal.
But in reality, treating men and women differently— for example, hierarchical roles of leadership and subservience— can easily lead to the devaluation of women.
Treating men and women differently— for example, hierarchical roles of leadership and subservience — can easily lead to the devaluation of women
Beth Allison Barr says the complementarian viewpoint has contributed to the sexual abuse scandals in churches.
If more women were in the top ranks of church leadership, would sexual abuse happen as frequently — or be covered up?
It’s sad that so many churches are not valuing 55% of their congregation’s talent and contributions.
Because Jesus valued women.
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*When I looked up the definition of feminist, the Oxford Language dictionary defines it as “an advocate of women’s rights the basis of equality of the sexes.”
Jesus was a feminist.
What’s your perspective on roles for Christian women and why? How do you diminish yourself? How do you claim your power and take up space?
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This post is sponsored BrightStory, a boutique college admissions consulting company owned by Stanford graduate, professional journalist and “coach of admission coaches” Alice Chen, who also created Happy Asian Woman.
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I was raised as a Christian (formally) while being exposed to Buddhist practices (informally), which led me to study world religions, as well as "new agey" type of books. Your journey, however, reminds me of how you are pushing though hundreds and hundreds of years of history, ritual, and beliefs about men and women's roles in Christianity. Not an easy thing to unravel, but so glad you've found likeminded souls.
I think especially for the Abrahamic faiths, for a long time have they been used as a convenient method to further solidify the inherent nature of patriarchy in our system.